I don't know what's been wrong with me for the past few days.
I've been feeling unaccomplished and like my life lacks passion.
Granted, I have been doing some things I'm not proud of and am only willing to admit to one person. Even then, I don't talk to that person about it all that much. I know what I should be doing, but I find I can't.
I feel like my life right now lacks excitement and any real joy. I go about my daily activities with no exceptional feelings. I do get a sense of satisfaction when I redecorate my room, put away old models and bring out ones I haven't displayed in awhile, switch this old photo for that one, but overall, none of it really excites me. I go to work and yes, I do like my co-workers, but work doesn't make me feel like i'm really doing anything worthwhile. The feeling it gives me is neither poor nor excellent, just satisfactory.
In the middle. All of it. There are no extremes, there is no fire no excitement. Run-of-the-mill, middle of the road, not here nor there, you know what I mean.
"So do you like nursing?" "How do you like it so far?" "Do you enjoy work?"
I can't even fake a "Yeah! It's great! I love it."
Shrug, lop-sided smile, "Yeah, it's good" "I like it because there's always something new" "It keeps me busy"
Nursing's all well and good for now, but it's not something I'm passionate about. It's just a job, but I feel like I want something more. Maybe it is the wrong profession for me. Would I be happier doing something different? Maybe. But would I still be satisfied if I made less money? Probably not.
Go to work, go home, go out on my days off, repeat. And for what? To make and save money for my future? But what about the in between, the now?
I have no social circle to speak of. They've all got their own and I think I'm outside.
I do think that the one thing that might afford me some passion in my life would be a boyfriend. I have memories of looking forward to things, my heart beating just a little faster in anticipation, planning what fun things we could do next. At least that lit a fire in me.
And what about the future?
What happens for the one who in high school who inwardly scoffed at her friends for pining over boys and now? Proof the Fate does indeed have a cruel sense of humour.
How am I ever supposed to meet anyone given what my life is and what I do? I suppose like all things "It'll happen when you least expect it" "You'll find what you're looking for when you're not looking"
Of course, it's not like I'm desperate for someone. I just want to share the rest of my life with someone I love. Is that too much to ask? I guess so.
But as things stand right now, my prospects look depressing, if not dismal. And that strikes a fear in me that is only matched by my greatest fear: failure.
I do pride myself on being as masculine as I am feminine and I'm glad that i'm an even mix of both. And yet, as much as I like upsetting convention, on the inside there's a large, overbearing part of me that's locked away, a secret, if you will.
DINK, white picket fences, damsel-in-distress complex, knight-in-shining-armour, domestic bliss, pleasing someone, "Welcome home honey, how was your day? *kiss* Dinner's all ready - I made your favourite. Tired? Why don't you lay down and I'll set the table and after dinner how about a massage?", "I love you."
I read stories in the paper about married couples and how they met, how long they've stayed together, how wonderful it's been for all these years. I want that for myself, as i'm sure many do. I placate myself with "I'm sure that will happen. You've got years and years ahead, it must happen. How can it not?
Then I get so scared I only get halfway through the answer.
Commence Standard Stress Response
Searching for alternate topic under category: Non-Threatening
Recommencing normal function
What's for dinner?